You know that old song they always used to play on the radio,
about how first love never dies?
Shite song, but it is sort of true.
My first love was Sally Evans, when l was seven.
Here's how it is, Adam Williams. Either you give me a kiss, or the hamster dies.
l think my first big crush was probably Jean-Pierre.
A French exchange student, when l was about 1 4.
Oh, God, he was so mature and dreamy.
He could blow smoke-rings and drink Pernod without retching.
Alors, tiens...
l suppose my first proper love would have been Jennifer Priday.
Proud, haughty, skittish.
Like a wild, untamed horse.
There was nothing l wouldn't do for Jennifer Priday.
DAVlD: Hello, Jennifer. l wonder, would you come to the sixth-form dance with me?
(All laugh)
Kevin Johnson.
Even saying the name now, l get the shivers.
He was a god.
He just seemed so charismatic,
and funny and talented
and just full of all these amazing, philosophical provocative insights.
Do you know, when you buy a chicken with giblets in,
the giblets don't actually belong to that particular chicken, huh?
l'm not sure l should say this.
Bridget Patterson.
She was amazing. We were inseparable.
l wrote her name on my pencil case.
So, who do you reckon'll still be around in 1 5 years' time?
Curiosity Killed The Cat, or Haircut 1 00?
Jen?
What are you staring at?
My first big, proper love - well, the most important one -
would probably have to be Jenny.
No-one before, no-one since.
- Paris? - No.
- Milan? - No.
- lt's not Blackpool, is it? - Don't be daft! You can't fly to Blackpool.
Trust me. Just put yourself entirely in my hands.
That's reassuring.
- So, where are we meeting everyone? - Uh, everyone...
- Well, you know, Rutters. - Can't make it. Family commitments.
Wanker! Carcey?
Toothache. The Hawk can't afford it, and Bucket is tiling his bathroom.
So, this riotous stag weekend is just you and me?
- And David. - David?
Oh, yeah, he's up for it. Mad for it.
Strippers and getting wrecked is right up his street!
Sorry l'm late! Here we all are, then. The three musketeers.
Let mayhem and madness commence!
All for one...
JEN: Set in 200 acres of rolling countryside,
Faversham Hall incorporates the finest hotel environment
with the best in health and beauty facilities.
Work out in our gym, then unwind with a facial, a sauna or a soothing massage.
Then, in the evening, why not relax with a fag, a pint and a pasty in our new karaoke cafe?
l made that bit up, obviously.
- Lisbon? - No.
Please God, not Amsterdam.
Look, it begins with a B.
- Barcelona? - No.
- Berlin? - No.
- Bilbao, for the Guggenheim? - No!
Hello. We've got a reservation under the name of Bradley.
RECEPTlONlST: Certainly, madam.
Are there no fellas here, then?
Well, no, we don't actually allow gentlemen on the premises.
Oh, right. What about staff? What about cleaners?
Absolutely none. Ladies only.
Jen, what do we need men for?
For snogging, Rachel. You have to get drunk and snog a stranger on your hen night.
lt's the law.
Belfast?
We're going to Belfast?
Was Beirut all booked up?
That's my home country you're talking about.
l thought you'd be pleased. You always go on about how brilliant it was.
lt is brilliant. l am. l love it. But...
l didn't think l'd be spending my stag with my Great-Aunt Peggy.
lt won't be like that.
l just thought it'd be a nice way to say a fond farewell to distant memories.
Peter, you make it sound like l'm dying.
You are a bit.
Right. l think l'm going to start with a wax bath,
then some hydrotherapy and a seaweed wrap.
BOTH: Oooh!
What's a seaweed wrap?
They wrap you in seaweed.
Nice.
TANNO Y: Welcome to Belfast Airport.
So, this is it, boys. Your final farewell to freedom, happiness and independence
before life becomes a mind-numbing routine of bitter, resentful sex.
lt's your stag weekend. This is a celebration!
Oh, superb! Hello, there, l'm Adam Williams, the groom-to-be.
Whoa! Groom-to-be?
- ls this a stag party? - Not strictly, no.
- Who's Mr Peter Gifford? - That's me.
l was told l was going to be escorting three businessmen on a two-day conference.
Did l say that?
But we are businessmen. l'm a management consultant,
Mr Williams is in computers, and Mr Gifford...
What is it you do?
So this isn't a stag party, then?
Well, yes, l suppose technically it is a stag party, but...
Perfect. Absolutely bloody perfect.
Right. Follow me.
All right. My name is Roy. l'm your driver for the weekend.
The conditions are as follows.
No feet on the seats, no singing in the back,
if one of you throws up, you clean up and pay for a valet service.
No fried or fatty foods in the car.
No political discussions, no punch-ups, and no picking up strange women.
Agreed?
ALL: Agreed.
Right. Welcome to Northern lreland. Get in.
ADAM: So, what's our itinerary?
PETE: l thought you might want to show us some places of historical interest.
Summer of '84, 1 42 McMasters Street, Jackie Brooker.
Christmas '82, Alison Smith.
1 30 Parker Street, Carol Taylor.
Oh, my God.
Adam...
So, who do you think does the best murals - Catholics or Protestants?
- Will you pack it in, will you? - No, l'm just interested.
This was a major one when l was 1 6. Sarah Squires. Lovely Sarah Squires.
- Shame that didn't work out. - Why, what happened?
There was too much against us.
Our families and the community didn't approve.
lt was a Romeo and Juliet sort of thing.
Forbidden love.
You can't fight bigotry like that.
Because you were Protestant and she was Catholic?
- No, she was my geography teacher. - Ah.
- Pub. - Yes.
Adam, this pub - is it Catholic or Protestant?
lt's a pub, David. lt doesn't have a religion.
Am l likely to face any hostility, with my accent?
Your accent?
Actually, he may have a point.
Oh, God, yeah, this bar...
ln here, you might want to do something about your accent.
Come on. Your round.
Uh, tree points of your Guinness, please.
(Both laugh)
So when you lived here, did you just get off with girls?
No, l played pool...
Anyway, these weren't just silly flirtations. This was big love.
Especially with Jane Fitzpatrick.
Oh, yes, the legendary Jane Fitzpatrick.
Who was Jane Fitzpatrick?
A girl l met on my school holidays over here.
She was beautiful. Amazing. The love of my life.
The one and only girl, before Rachel, that l could imagine being with for ever.
- So what went wrong? - lt was very sad and complicated.
- He got off with Nicky Chadwin. - l got off with Nicky Chadwin.
Do you think it's possible to drink six litres of water a day?
JEN: Why?
lt says here the secret of a model's perfect skin is to drink six litres of water a day.
Karen, will you shut up? They said we had to keep perfectly still.
- How much is six litres, then? RACHEL: 1 3 pints.
Come on, you can't drink 1 3 pints of water.
Not unless you're drowning.
Bloody hell, l'm starving. When's lunch?
♪ Celtic folk
- Ask him to change the music. - You ask him.
l can't. Adam, you ask him.
- Why can't you ask him? - l'm scared of him.
All right back there, lads?
ALL: Oh, yeah, great.
- The music all right for you? - Very much so.
Are we nearly there yet? l'm busting!
So, the lrish giant Finn McCool,
hearing that the Scots giant was stronger, challenged him to a fight.
He built the causeway so that the cowardly Scot could cross the sea to do battle.
Do you know what happened to that clod of earth that fell into the sea?
No.
That became the lsle of Man.
You're joking!
No, Pete, it actually happened.
All right, then, what about the lsle of Wight?
Do you want me to finish this story or not?
Well, maybe.
All right, forget it. Follow me. l'll lead you to another local legend.
The bench! lt's gotta be here somewhere.
Look, what are you looking for?
- Ah, look! Here it is! - You do realise you've spelt ''love'' wrong.
Adam Williams 4 Jane Fitzpatrick, true luv.
What's so special about this?
This is where Adam Williams lost his virginity.
Funny, it's not in the tourist guide.
On a wooden bench?
That's dead classy, that is.
We had a bottle of cider and a sleeping bag. lt was very romantic.
lt is National Trust. lt's a rather fine place for it. All that natural beauty.
The scenery's not bad, either.
- l think it's disgusting! - Where'd you lose your virginity?
ln my mum and dad's bed, like most normal people.
♪ Classical violin
(Yawns)
l tell you what, doing bugger-all takes it out of you, doesn't it?
Mm.
JEN: Nice place, though. - lsn't it?
Yeah. How are you feeling?
Very relaxed.
You?
Very relaxed, yeah.
Sort of in a coma. Are you bored?
God, yes! All these people wandering around in gowns, smiling.
lt's like a lunatic asylum with sun beds.
l just wanted to have a drink and a laugh,
make embarrassing sexual revelations.
What shall we do?
l don't know. Food fight?
Can you have a food fight with organic food?
Hi. God, this is great, isn't it?
- Smashing. - Yeah, it's lovely.
l've just checked at reception. There's an Alexander Technique class in 20 minutes.
Brilliant! What's that, then?
Um, it's all about the correct alignment of your body.
Good, because my body alignment's knackered.
Er... l don't suppose you found out if there's a pub nearby, did you?
A pub?
Yeah. lt's just that me and Jen, we're a bit...
Bored.
- Bored? - Bored.
Listen, it's great, all this detoxing.
l think my body's craving something toxic.
Right. My room, five minutes, bring your minibar.
- Ha-ha-ha! - Are you sure this is the place?
Oh, God! This is the one!
lt used to be packed every night.
- lt looks dead to me. ls it still open? - Aye, it should be.
Adam, Adam! That's what happens.
Things change. People move on.
Maybe we should call it a night, go to the hotel.
No!
Let's have a quick pint. lf it's dead, we'll head back.
Jeez...
(Wild cheering)
l knew you didn't have tonsillitis, you bollocks!
Bucket! Bucket! Bucket!
Right, l need a bottle.
- Here's one. - lt's not empty!
lt is now.
- Are you sure this is a good idea? - Of course it's a good idea.
- Whenever l play this, someone ends up crying. - Bollocks, we'll be fine.
Does anybody know the rules?
Are we playing truth or dare, or truth, dare, double-dare, love, kiss or promise?
Say that again?
l don't think l can. l'll spin.
Oh, no! Why me?
Look, look, there. l've pulled, definitely.
- Yeah? - Yeah, yeah.
- Pete, here, listen... - Look, look, look.
Finally found someone daft enough to marry you, then?
How are you, Adam?
Pete, David...this is Jane Fitzpatrick.
- What, the Jane? - The Jane.
- Bench Jane? - Bench Jane?
- Another drink? - Yeah, cheers.
What, bench Jane, the one you lost your...
Thank you, Pete.
My God, you look fantastic.
So do you. l see the spots have cleared up.
Oh, and your er...puppy fat's just...
Adam, come over here. You wouldn't believe who wants to see you! Come on!
- Don't go away, Jane Fitzpatrick! - l'm going nowhere.
You've some nerve coming back here after what you did.
Oh, er... Us breaking up?
Are you still going on about Nicky Chadwin?
No, God, not that.
- What? Nicky Chadwin, remember? - Oh, Nicky Chadwin. Tasty.
You don't remember, do you? New Year's Eve, 1 999? The Millennium?
When we were going out, we swore if we ever broke up we would meet again
at the stroke of midnight, 1 999.
Oh, yes, yes. The Giant's Causeway.
Right, so, New Year's Eve's come round
and...l know it's a long shot, but l'm thinking Adam's a man of his word, he'll be there.
So, l snuck out of the house, told Mum l was going to a party,
and l went down to the Causeway.
lt must have been the bleakest, wettest night of the year.
And l sat there on our bench, and l waited and waited and waited.
l could see the fireworks across the bay, hear the cheers of celebration. l knew it was midnight.
But you never came.
l waited for you, Adam, and you never came.
- Are you taking the piss? - Course l am.
You are the bollocks. You are the bollocks!
Do you honestly think l'd hang around for a bollocks like you? l was here at a party.
Yes, well, you know, shame, because l was at the Causeway.
Oh, really? With your fiancée, l suppose?
What's she like, then?
Rachel? She's cool.
She's very cool.
♪ And if l make it there, l'll make it anywhere
♪ lt's up to you, New York
♪ New York!
- Excellent! - Wooh!
Oh, great!
- A lot longer than l remember. - Thank you.
There we are, Pete, Roy.
Ah, lovely.
So, um...where's your husband?
Oh, he's on holiday...with his fiancée.
Oh, l'm sorry it didn't work out.
No, it was great. For the first week or so.
He was a nice guy. He just had a wee problem with the fidelity part, that's all.
l've always had trouble with these shallow, feckless, emotionally immature men.
Thanks very much.
Still, don't let me put you off- marriage is fine. l'm sure you'll be great at it.
l bet you've even got a picture in your wallet, and everything.
Actually, l do.
Well, when did we get so corny and romantic?
l was always corny and romantic.
Yeah, l suppose you were. lf l remember rightly,
you were like that with every girl in County Antrim and Greater Manchester.
l am a reformed man now.
- ls that right? Come on, then, show me. - What?
Where is that pocket? Come on, get it out.
lt's um... There she is.
She's a beautiful girl.
Yes, she is.
You should come to the wedding.
No!
You could have a special table at the reception with all your ex-girlfriends on it.
lt could be a very long table. We could compare notes.
Actually, there weren't that many. Not like you, anyway.
You were my first love, Jane.
- Really? - Yes.
Go and get me a drink, you soppy bugger.
- Going. Going now. - Go. Go on. Leave.
Off you pop. Go!
Why do l feel like l'm in The Deer Hunter?
Go past, go past...
Shit!
- Right, whose go is it to choose? - Mine, l think.
Be nice, please.
RACHEL: OK, let me think. Hm... Ah, truth.
Can't l just wear my pants on my head?
No. Truth, l think.
OK, here we go.
When you were still with Pete, did you ever get off with anyone else?
No. Never had the chance.
A couple of times with Adam, but it doesn't count, does it?
l was pretty bloody well-behaved, actually.
Mind you, not for want of trying.
You can't! All right, then, go on, prove it.
- Dare me. - All right, then, l dare you.
PETE: Let's hope he doesn't do bloody Danny Boy again.
Well, this must be the great crack that everyone talks about.
Right. Oh. Right, now, l know this is going to piss a lot of you off,
but one singer, one song.
lt's my stag night, and that's just tough, l'm afraid.
This is a very beautiful, very old, traditional lrish folk song.
Told you. Danny Boy.
l'd just like to dedicate it to any old girlfriends out there
with my sincere and heartfelt apologies.
♪ You see a pair of laughin' eyes
♪ And suddenly you're sighing sighs
♪ You're thinking nothing's wrong, you string along, boy, then snap!
♪ Those eyes, those sighs, they're part of the tender trap
(Laughs)
♪ You're hand in hand beneath the trees
♪ And soon there's music in the breeze
♪ You're acting kinda smart until your heart just goes whap!
♪ Those trees, that breeze, they're part of the tender trap
- Rach, can you come out, love? RACHEL: l'll come out in a minute!
- l told you this would happen. - She chose bloody truth.
Yeah, but did you have to be quite so truthful?
- Just answer me one thing. - What?
- Did you have sex with him? - Oh, my God, no!
So, what did happen, then?
What do you mean? Like what base did he get to? Not even first.
So you didn't kiss?
No, not really.
- No? - No.
- Truth, Jen. - All right, yeah.
So you did get to first base!
♪ Some starry night
♪ When her kisses make you tingle
♪ She'll hold you tight
♪ And you'll hate yourself for being single
Have you ever got off with Adam?
Don't be ridiculous! l'm a married woman.
- So is she, but it didn't matter to her. - Bloody hell, who's she? The cat's mother?
l dare say you knew what was going on, though. Truth, Karen!
l may have had an idea, yeah.
Fan-bloody-tastic!
Rachel Bradley - figure of fun!
♪ And then you wonder how it all came about
♪ lt's too late now, there's no getting out
♪ You fell in love, and lo-o-ove is the tender trap
(Applause and cheering)
Maybe we should burst in and overpower her.
- What for? - She might do herself a mischief.
What, with a sewing kit?
Have you got any better ideas?
l'm not gonna do myself a mischief.
- Rachel, where are you going? - l'm going swimming.
Oh, God! Now she's going to drown herself.
- Wait, we'll get our costumes. - l'd like to be on my own.
- So l suppose l'm not maid of honour, then? - No, you are certainly not!
- Do you not think you're over-reacting a bit? - Jenny! You got off with the groom!
Yes...but not recently.
Anyway, there isn't going to be a wedding!
- So, are you married, Roy? - Widowed, two years ago.
- l'm so sorry. RO Y: Ah, it's not your fault.
Now, the famine, on the other hand, that was your fault.
Eh, get on.
PETE: How long were you married? RO Y: 24 years.
PETE: 24 years. Blimey, that's a long time.
l only managed seven. l cocked it all up.
l wonder how long Karen and l have got.
You two, you'll be all right.
- You think so? PETE: Yeah.
You and Karen, you're like sharks.
- Like sharks? PETE: You know what they say about sharks.
They mate for life.
Actually, l think you'll find it's swans that mate for life.
- What do sharks do, then? - Sharks sleep around.
- Excuse me. PETE: Eh, where are you off to?
l've just got to phone Karen.
Hi. lt's me. Did l wake you?
l'm sorry. lt's just...
We really need to talk.
You know, you are the last person l expected to see here.
And why is that?
l don't know. You were always so ambitious.
l know, but my mum got sick and what could l do?
Anyway, l wanted to be a singer-songwriter, for Christ's sake!
Are you really so surprised it didn't work out?
l thought you'd be married, have a couple of kids, maybe.
- l was married. - Oh, yeah.
Anyway, Mr Big City Systems Analyst, l'm quite happy here, you know.
We've got running water, electric light, and the magic box with people talking on it.
Yeah, yeah, you made your point.
Just because we haven't got Habitat and Pizza Express, we do still pull through.
l'd completely forgotten how scary you can be.
Well, don't.
- Do you want to go for a walk? - Do you think that'd be a good idea?
♪ Danny Boy
Oh, Jesus, sounds like a great idea. Come on!
And now, ladies and gentlemen, the moment you've all been waiting for.
♪ Oh, Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling
♪ From glen to glen, and down the mountain side
♪ The summer's gone
♪ And all the roses falling - (Mobile phone rings)
♪ 'Tis you, 'tis you must go, and l must bide...
Hello.
l can't hear you. What did you say?
Karen?
Oh... Er... Er... Hang on.
Blimey, how'd you do that?
Talk on two phones at once.
Well, yeah. l thought you were talking to David.
Yeah, yeah. Just hang on a second, l'll just go and get him.
That is not true, Jessica. That is absolutely not true.
(Mouths)
l'm talking to Karen.
This is Karen.
l'll call you back.
Hello, darling, how are you?
No, he's in the pub.
l'll go and get him.
Look, you can't cancel the wedding over a silly thing like this.
Eh?
l've bought a hat.
Look, all right. Oh, God, l'm sorry.
Rach, all right, l am a prat.
But would you please come out and we can talk about it?
Leave me alone, Jen.
You can't stay in there, love. You'll catch your death.
Maybe it's for the best.
Oh, sod it!
l bloody hope you can do mouth-to-mouth.
Oh!
Cor!
Oh, my God!
l thought they said it was heated in the brochure.
You get used to it after a while.
- Hiya. - Hi.
- You're not going to splash me, are you? - No.
lt didn't mean anything, Rach, l promise.
Not to Adam. lf l'm absolutely honest...
..l wish that it had, but it didn't. l promise.
l think it just got us at a bad time, you know.
All that stuff with me and Pete.
You'd just left him, and...
You're not going to cancel the wedding, are you?
l don't know.
lt's just, l thought l knew everything, you know? And now this comes up.
Having fun, you two?
Yes, thanks.
Fancy a dip?
No, thanks.
Listen, you're going to think l'm mad, and we may live to regret this,
but there's a flight to Belfast in three hours' time.
Hiya.
Cor, you're lucky, mate! lf we'd found you a few hours ago you'd have been in trouble.
We'd like to check out, please.
Yeah, lt's been lovely, though. Thanks very much.
Yes. lt's been very, very relaxing.
- You two thinking of a family yet? - No.
No, er...we're going to wait a while, give it a couple of years.
Good idea.
You'll make a great dad, though.
- Do you think? - Oh, yeah. You're just the type.
Kids are more on your level, intellectually speaking.
Actually, l...l don't think we can have children.
What? You can't?
No. There's a...there's a medical problem.
Right. Well, that was a smart thing to say. Nice one, Jane.
Don't worry about it.
- l'm so sorry, Adam. l had no idea. - Don't be daft. You weren't to know.
We've talked about it, and we're fine, you know.
No, really, we're fine.
Solid as a rock.
Come on.
You must be mad! You must be stark raving mad!
l know, l know.
What were you thinking of?
lt was a crush.
lt was exciting. l was flattered.
l'm not that used to people finding me attractive. You know how it is.
Eh? What?
Oh, cheers. Thanks a lot!
Sorry, l didn't mean it like that. l just meant... You know, l lost my head, that's all.
Oh, right, yeah. You were out of control. lt was all an accident!
No, l didn't mean that neither.
l don't know what you're on about. You did exactly the same thing.
Yeah, l know l did. And look at me now!
And if Karen finds out, which she will,
you might as well come and join me in bachelor bedsit land.
See your kids on Sundays, that kind of thing!
lt's almost as if you're enjoying this.
Don't be stupid! Don't be so bloody stupid!
- l'm your mate, aren't l? - (Mobile ringtone)
So, are you going to get that, or am l?
Hello. Oh, hi.
No, we've checked the hotel. Still no sign.
He's probably out with mates. He'll be back in a sec.
Can you tell me what's going on?
OK. Great.
Yeah, call me.
- That was Karen. - Which one?
They're catching the next flight.
Roy! Hey, what are you doing here?
All right there, fellas. l got locked out of my hotel, so l thought l'd go for a walk.
- You haven't seen Adam, have you? - Ah, the happy groom.
We've got to find him first.
- You need a hand looking for him? - That would be fantastic.
Need a little something to warm you up a bit?
Ooh, yeah.
Cheers, Roy.
Adam!
(Laughs)
God, you were so full of yourself, working at that bingo hall.
Always a smile for the old ladies. The king of Portrush.
You were the same.
There can't have been a teenage boy in the whole county that wasn't mooning after you.
l mooned at you, l think!
l remember great hordes of them trotting after you with their tongues hanging out.
Probably still are.
Hardly. How old do you have to be before you officially become a spinster?
Oh, come on.
Oh, you're right, l have my moments.
Only nothing like us, though.
l mean, l probably shouldn't be saying this, but...
when l was waiting for the wedding, l had this idea that you'd turn up.
l mean, l loved Billy, and l still would have married him.
l just thought that if you turned up it might make things a bit more...
interesting.
You're better off without me, believe me.
Oh, l'm sure l am.
Well, l don't know about you, but l'm frozen. lt's late, or early or...
- l haven't seen that look in a long while. - What?
That meaningful, cow-eyed, horny look you get.
- l just wanted to put something to you. - What's that?
l don't know. l just really...
l really wanted to kiss you.
Well, you can't.
That's what getting married means.
lsn't there supposed to be a tradition?
Oh, it's your stag night so you can get off with anyone you like?
That's positively medieval, Adam Williams.
So l can't kiss you, then?
No. l will not be the last meal of the condemned man.
Not even a peck?
No way.
That's a shame.
lsn't it?
Right, that's your lot.
That was definitely a kiss goodbye.
Maybe next lifetime, eh?
OK.
Next lifetime.
ALL: ♪ Danny boy
♪ Oh, Danny boy
♪ l love you so-o-o
Ah, beautiful.
Great crack, great crack.
- You're crying. - l'm not.
You're crying, you big poof!
Hey, who fancies another lrish song?
- How about The Skye Boat Song? - That's not lrish.
Near enough.
No, trust me, it isn't.
lt's all, you know, Celtic.
Adam!
Adam, where are you?
Oh, my head hurts. Shouldn't we just give up and go back to the hotel?
Hey! Hey! Adam is my best mate, right?
And best mates stick together.
l'm going to track him down, no matter what it takes, and save his marriage,
if it's the last thing l do on this earth! Right?
Oh, no.
Oh, God, no.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. (Gasps)
- Had a good night, then, did you? - Rachel.
Hello.
This is a surprise.
Now, l know this looks bad...
Rachel, there's an innocent explanation. Rachel!
No!
Morning. Bad dream?
Nightmare.
How are you feeling?
Like l'm dead.
Well, you're not. l can smell your breath.
(Groans)
- Jane, did...? - What?
Last night, did we make love?
- Oh, God, yes. - We did?
Oh, yes, we made love long and hard. You were like a steam train.
- So we didn't, then? - No, we didn't.
We came back here, emptied that...and you fell asleep.
Oh, thank God for that.
And a merry Christmas to you, too.
No, l didn't mean it like that. l meant l'm glad.
Glad that we didn't do something that you'd regret? Just piss off, Adam!
Are you angry with me?
- Would it matter? - Yes.
Well, l'm not.
Oh, Jane, l had a good time.
So did l.
And nothing happened. Nothing you need worry about.
So, l'll see you, then.
See you.
- lf you've got a pen, l'll give you my number. - No, that's all right.
- You don't want my number? - No, l don't think so.
What for? ''Hello, Rachel. Adam's first love here. Could l have a word?''
You could be friends with Rachel.
No offence, Adam, but l don't think l want to.
But as friends.
l have enough friends. l don't need any more.
But if she jilts you at the altar, you can look me up. Otherwise...
Let's just get on with our lives, yeah?
So, when will l see you again?
Bye, then.
Bye.
Next lifetime, eh?
lt's a date.
You know l'll never forget you.
You bloody well better not!
(Snores)
Karen!
So, David. ls there anything you want to tell me?
- Boo! - Surprise!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Keep calm.
- Didn't expect to see us, did you? - No!
- ls this a bad time? - No, no, you're timing's absolutely perfect!
- Hi, Rach. - Hello.
Everything all right? Are you well? What's gone wrong?
Nothing's gone wrong.
- Morning, Pete, David. PETE: All right?
Quite a night, eh?
PETE: Oh, what a night. - All right, Roy?
- How are you, you old rascal? - Rascal! (Laughs nervously)
- Do you fancy a walk? - Yeah.
(Whispers) What am l going to do?
Anyway, l woke up, found myself on Tony's sofa
with this post-apocalyptic hangover, like, you know, and here we are.
Right, l see.
ls there anything else you want to tell me?
No, no, no, l don't think so. Why?
Adam, l know everything.
- You do? - Uh-huh.
Who told you?
- Oh, yeah, like l can't guess! Thanks a lot, Pete! - No. She told me.
How?
How? l don't know. l think she just wanted to get it off her chest and it slipped out.
l don't understand. You don't even know her.
What are you talking about? Of course l know her.
At least l thought l did until yesterday.
Wait, wait, wait. Hold on! Wait!
You're telling me that Jane told you about what happened between us?
Yes. Jen told me everything.
Last night when we got drunk.
l'm not angry with her. And l'm not angry with you.
Except l am angry with you. Bloody angry! We were going to be honest with each other.
We are! lf it was important, l would have said.
Adam, one of our best friends says she's in love with you,
and you don't think it's important?
Rach, it was a crush. A silly crush. Jen was low and l was down because...
Well, you know why l was down.
- And there was the matter of your first husband. - Which l told you about.
- Yeah, eventually. - God, l hate this.
- What? - Feeling like some bloody policeman!
Feeling like l've got to check up on you the whole time.
Finding out what everybody else knows apart from me.
l just want to feel safe, Adam.
You know, a bit looked-after. That's why people get married, isn't it?
Of course.
- ls there anything else you want to tell me? - Nothing.
- You swear? - l swear.
Rachel...
l love you more than anyone and anything in this world.
And that's why l want to marry you.
Young love. lt really is a beautiful thing, isn't it?
Yeah.
Sorry, are you being sarcastic?
Maybe.
l'm not sure.
Come on, then. Fess up!
What did you get up to last night?
Well...
Actually, l don't want to know.
l'm sure you boys are entitled to a few sordid little secrets.
As long as it's not too awful.
No.
Don't worry.
Nothing too awful.
- What's that word? - What word?
Old English word, begins with a C, describes me.
- You dare! - Cuddly.
No, that's not it.
Um...
- l've got it. Cuckold! - Cuckold?
Everyone knows about you and me and Adam, and here's Pete, the cuckold, looking like a prat.
Come on, Pete.
The past is the least of our worries, l reckon.
Do you think they're going to be all right, then?
Adam and Rach?
Yeah, they'll be fine.
People said that about us!
We are fine.
We're not together, but we're OK.
l do miss you, though.
l miss you, too.
- You know that. - Yeah, l suppose so.
- Hiya. - Hi.
They are sweet.
l take it this means the coast's clear, then?
We're fine.
- Hi. - Hi.
Obviously, l'm very sorry.
Yeah, obviously.
Don't be daft.
- So, what are we going to do now? - Dunno.
♪ People running don't have much to say
♪ You'd better catch your dreams before they fade away
♪ We're all here until we know not when
♪ Love has gone and won't come back again
♪ l'm gonna take it
♪ Break it
♪ Make it if you can
♪ l will show you
♪ Oh, you
♪ You know we'll be together
♪ lf we try